need-ouch
not its not because i am so sure of myself that
i do not feel i have needs
last night my mind allowed me to admit for
the third time this week end that
i am out of my comfort zone
why am i there or rather 'here' when there?
fear( I blurt negatively)
sounding in this moment of self expression and prayer if i am more honest
less holy and more humbled truly
last night i felt
where have all the helpers gone
why aren't my synapses connecting with my heart
where is the courage i have been hoping to impart to others
the keep going of the get up and go
the give it welly of the lion
but then the lion in me is a soft sculpture not the arrogant
endorphine libido calm charming debonaire charmer i probably wish it was
aaaaaaah' i can't dance?'
my memory is brand new i never did thsi before
like finding the piano keys with my fingers
but i won't give up
should i give up
alone
where is God
oh i feel for my daughter
i am scared
oh well
need to turn this around and affirm a hope in me
endorphine libido calm charming debonaire
i will be him i long to be loved and need to nuture this hope of freeedom to trustworthy kindly patient Rome wasn't build in a day mustard seed cinderalla ugly duckling needs to start somewhere I know this frog just needs the prince of peace
to find nme a princess
and my life gets tranformed as i still trust in prayer God will come through
so okay all the dancers know what they are doing and i cannot draw the dance the dancers and all the moves like chessboard pieces in my head nor all the arabesques and carnival of transient but apparently substancive joy
but i am out here attending a Roman Catholic collection of kindly folk
in Hope
with so many enigmatic gestures from God taking me showing me including me
what have you in mind for me Lord?
you take me to where my thoughts and words cannot be heard and to where the scribbling hand cannot defend me
out on a limb that has no fruit as yet upon it
where i get caught in the headlights of a slow and
clogged mind
o but i will come through this must come through this
others will see just how far they have come when i cannot do what they do
arole i would rather not play for too long help me to get up and become motivated
like with the walking
automatic pilot
i came home and i cooked two meals
i blamed an unfed head
creative is what julia cameron is saying
will result for these morning pages
well then they must as she implies and i admit to willingly be a prayer
as i lay early morning warm and holding the folds of the bedding safe and alone
and not frightened and nuturing the poor me and the hope filled kindly not going to be unkind to myself me
i
kept focussing on not giving in to what?
honesty
no
admitting i have failed
i have not
i am only beginning i need to sit back take in and absorb
it is not my time
yet in the fallowness there is expectancy
the weather will grow wamrer my body will grow fitter the seed that i am will unfold as it takes a little in at a time and relaxes into it
Sandra still rememebers that monday last i was so relaxed i sang
the three dance sessions have all been in one week
and look
so much in one week
new shoes nice cushion a week end off
enjoyment of rob's facebook page him with izzy and me with amy
he has the mural and i have the mural
steve in his christmas card said connected well amen to that
i will have set backs
but i am making progress
i have left the bunker the flat is gettin tidier and better book and assets are emerging
the lovely little drawing of birds sent my claske has emerged oh
i have so much to be grateful for
i am not suddenly fat because i gave myself a little food
Joni Mitchell wrote a song
the minus is loveless she talks to the land the leaves talk and the pond over ices she don't know the season no she don't undertand she got all the wrong fuses and splices
she is talking about when the synapses don't snap into place too me feels aaaaaaaaaah!
so then
new chapter
new book
frh endeavour
not giving up!
I have seen two inspiring images
one was a man exchanging hats with his dancing partner like a gaucho(steely dan)
As I understand it, a "Gaucho" is a South American (Argentine) cowboy.
another a man was jiving two ladies at the same time
looked fab wow!
i want some lord God
oh and i want you to like me enough and to love mewith that much joy Amen
Gaucho is the seventh studio album by the American Jazz rock band Steely Dan, released in 1980. The sessions for Gaucho represented the peak of Steely Dan's recording studio perfectionism and obsessive recording techniques.[1][2] To record the album, the band used at least 42 different musicians, spent over a year in the studio, and far exceeded the original monetary advance given to the band by their record label.[3]
During the two-year span in which the album was recorded, the band was plagued by a number of creative, personal and professional problems.[4] MCA, Warner Bros. and Steely Dan had a three-way legal battle over the rights to release the album. After the record was released, jazz musician Keith Jarrett successfully sued the band for writing credit on the song "Gaucho".
Gaucho marked a significant stylistic change for Steely Dan, introducing a more minimal, groove- and atmosphere-based format. The harmonically complex chord changes that were a distinctive mark of earlier Steely Dan songs are less prominent on Gaucho, with the record's songs tending to revolve around a certain rhythm or mood. Gaucho proved to be Steely Dan's final studio album before a 12-year hiatus.
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