Sunday, 29 January 2012

needing encouragement

Now there's a word I haven't used in a while
not its not because i am so sure of myself that
i do not feel i have needs
last night my mind allowed me to admit for
 the third time this week end that
i am out of my comfort zone

why am i there or rather 'here' when there?

fear( I  blurt negatively)

sounding in this moment of self expression and prayer if i am more honest
less holy and more humbled truly

last night i felt
where have all the helpers gone
why aren't my synapses connecting with my heart
where is the courage i have been hoping to impart to others

the keep going of the get up and go
the give it welly of the lion

but then the lion in me is a soft sculpture not the arrogant
endorphine libido calm charming debonaire charmer i probably wish it was

aaaaaaah' i can't dance?'

my memory is brand new i never did thsi before
like finding the piano keys with my fingers
but i won't give up
should i give up
where is God

oh i feel for my daughter
i am scared

oh well

need to turn this around and affirm a hope in me
endorphine libido calm charming debonaire 
i will be him i long to be loved and need to nuture this hope of freeedom to trustworthy kindly patient Rome wasn't build in a day mustard seed cinderalla ugly duckling needs to start somewhere I know this frog just needs the prince of peace
to find nme a princess 
and my life gets tranformed as i still trust in prayer God will come through
so okay all the dancers know what they are doing and i cannot draw the dance the dancers and all the moves like chessboard pieces in my head nor all the arabesques and carnival of transient but apparently substancive joy

but i am out here attending a Roman Catholic collection of kindly folk
in Hope 
with so many enigmatic gestures from God taking me showing me including me 
what have you in mind for me Lord?
you take me to where my thoughts and words cannot be heard and to where the scribbling hand cannot defend me

out on a limb that has no fruit as yet upon it
where i get caught in the headlights of a slow and 
clogged mind

o but i will come through this must come through this

others will see just how far they have come when i cannot do what they do

 arole i would rather not play for too long help me to get up and become motivated

like with the walking 
automatic pilot

i came home and i cooked two meals 

i blamed an unfed head
creative is what julia cameron is saying
will result for these morning pages 
well then they must as she implies and i admit to willingly be a prayer

as i lay early morning warm and holding the folds of the bedding safe and alone
and not frightened and nuturing the poor me and the hope filled kindly not going to be unkind to myself me

kept focussing on not giving in to what?

admitting i have failed
i have not
i am only beginning i need to sit back take in and absorb
it is not my time
yet in the fallowness there is expectancy
the weather will grow wamrer my body will grow fitter the seed that i am will unfold as it takes a little in at a time and relaxes into it
Sandra still rememebers that monday last i was so relaxed i sang
the three dance sessions have all been in one week

and look
so much in one week
new shoes nice cushion a week end off
enjoyment of rob's facebook page him with izzy and me with amy 
he has the mural and i have the mural 
steve in his christmas card said connected well amen  to that

i will have set backs 
but i am making progress 
i have left the bunker the flat is gettin tidier and better book and assets are emerging
the lovely little drawing of birds sent my claske has emerged oh

i have so much to be grateful for
i am not suddenly fat because i gave myself a little food
Joni Mitchell wrote a song

the minus is loveless she talks to the land the leaves talk and the pond over ices she don't know the season no she don't undertand she got all the wrong fuses and splices

she is talking about when the synapses don't snap into place too me feels aaaaaaaaaah!

so then

new chapter

new book 

frh endeavour 

not giving up!

I have seen two inspiring images
one was a man exchanging hats with his dancing partner like a gaucho(steely dan)
As I understand it, a "Gaucho" is a South American (Argentine) cowboy.

another a man was jiving two ladies at the same time

looked fab wow! 
i want some lord God 
oh and i want you to like me enough and to love mewith that much joy Amen

Gaucho is the seventh studio album by the American Jazz rock band Steely Dan, released in 1980. The sessions for Gaucho represented the peak of Steely Dan's recording studio perfectionism and obsessive recording techniques.[1][2] To record the album, the band used at least 42 different musicians, spent over a year in the studio, and far exceeded the original monetary advance given to the band by their record label.[3]
During the two-year span in which the album was recorded, the band was plagued by a number of creative, personal and professional problems.[4] MCAWarner Bros. and Steely Dan had a three-way legal battle over the rights to release the album. After the record was released, jazz musician Keith Jarrett successfully sued the band for writing credit on the song "Gaucho".
Gaucho marked a significant stylistic change for Steely Dan, introducing a more minimal, groove- and atmosphere-based format. The harmonically complex chord changes that were a distinctive mark of earlier Steely Dan songs are less prominent on Gaucho, with the record's songs tending to revolve around a certain rhythm or mood. Gaucho proved to be Steely Dan's final studio album before a 12-year hiatus.

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