Wednesday, 18 April 2012

i don't know

whether it is my own arrogance or deeply rooted steadfast faith
whether i have feet of clay or sap filled psalm one deeply reaching prayer in the earth of you
i do know that i have noticed myself being sharp when others seemed to sow doubt in my heart
setting goals i realise i have to be willing to be over ruled by you when i set a deadline for i need your life line
on the praise c.d playing at Alexanders suggestion and i am gladdened that she owns to you yet whilst she has not said not to mention her s another friend who puts or seems to put more faith in khalil than in Christ
yet even the former eve wants to veil herself or perhaps which i prefer take on a new identity in Christ whatever here i am hopefully guided by you to be taken to the river and to know your love endures and sing asong of gladness at theis fountain of your love.The cross of my redeemer.

Any way rather than act as if i am in the confessional yet wanting to be honest before you anmd feel the guide that julia' book is as like khalil their is the prophecy of forward trust based progess rather than unendurable repetition of disappointment and the sin of missing the mark

as you know i was angry at being unfed yesterday and worried stil exists
my income seems to be drying up and yet my mouth still wants for food and i instead of seeking a job as my brother suggested and i apologise for my sad rebuke and sharpness with him

lord i trust that though fatherly reassuring encouragers like brian beadles arthur gee arthur muraski have died and though tose who are old and kindly grow fail that you are there a heavenly father .I would that seeemingly kindly figures like stephen fry would accept you jonathan miller too O Lord God they have seeeming humility and yet whist wise in wordly knowledge deeper than the superficial neverthelss their none testimonyu to faith can drive me to work in soe boring way in a world of knowledge rather than faith and pusuing the hpe i have in your gifting.
I have sought to deconstruct my ability to draw only so as to be the more honest none pretedning teacjher/life encourager so that others may satisfy themselves tht the dream can come treu if they remove the mental block that is to my prayer mind miracel believing soul your will that we should spot that twenty six letters are drawings and that you have a bigger more accessable more trustworthy six primary rainbow because i have explored and trust this more that the limited though seemingly simple and holy trinity of red yellow and blue fro the orange re of bloob and the violet wine red of blood are difeerent as are the purposes of blood to give life .Oh

custrad yellow or sour lemon  and the plum lavendar blue is diffeent from the aqua viridian based torquise yet despit pointing more accurately i reaalis the child' need to be chilkd to not know to 'root' in you for the sweet sap of kindleier gentleter pre fall root sof child likeness

lord i seek to be midwife and testimony to one church one god and one shared praise prayer to your bigger picture

i am frightened that the money is running out that like job your provision is being removed from me
it is thursday today i thought for a moment it was tuesday as i heard dustbin men and even in saying that i just timetravlled through the morphing of words and associative though changes in the bins the reqcling to whom to turn for the new bin the lost grey bin all moneylike the renewing of the flats shared insurance and the mot and road fund license oh lord i need more income the rail pass seemed like good news should i go to dee or to brookdale tomorrow should i push myself hard to be at both venues or let sue down at dee by admitting to myself with ltd resources i should not use the car to go to where bob has rejected the painted centre of the clock that would have brought thirty in .And i now am submitting a larger invoice and i hope with all my heart it is justified by the work itself and its scale as i now add itens travel and amterials and brushes to justify the increased quote hope it is not because of the ripples of hunger when an innocent man who had secured the work asked if i was eating only then to say 'you will have to pay' i was trusting that it would be supplied as it has when i have worked in your schools before oh Lod that this is public i feel yet as a blog is almost behind the face as facebook takes on the eyes and dialogue this is more these morning pages though i do not want to hide my thought s pray liek the psalms of deep hurt n hope do get published . oh

i have spent money last night inmy hunger on eggs n bread n milk and on peas
so this morning i can see that whilst i cannot add the sultanas of your vine i can make the porridge of your seed provision accept this prayer i will now swith the music off and listen to my uploads with the drawings of prayer i sent up following a deeply hurtful experience of painful dissapointment as i found myself missing arthur yes but also feeling lost in my own remebered sin yet i go there as it contains the words for 2 corinthians 2.14
that sepeaks of progres i will instead of playing this simply reach int the internet bible and read them over the top of these rising praises all glory wisdom power....

 2 Corinthians 2 14
But thanks be to God, 
who always leads us in triumphal procession in Christ 
and through us spreads everywhere the fragrance 
of the knowledge of him.

How deep the father's love for us
behold the man upon the cross
ashamed i hear my mocking voice call out amongst the scoffers

it was my sin that held him there
i know that it is finished
i will in  boast in anything

i will boast in Jesus Chrsit his death and resurrection

.......with all my heart his wounds have paid my ransome

So Lordmy less public prayer to you is that you will take away the fear and that i will trust in your provision whilst being willing to listen to Julia's encourgement to reach into the gifting as artist into my brothers suggestion of get a job and my friend suggestion to listen to praise oh and the ability to make mysetakes in your love ame help me with the presentation of both my invoiv=ce mot and the work you give me to do .letr me be Christian in the way that you would have me be not timoroursly but humbly in some strange reconciliation of these seeming opposite

jesus be the centre be the reason that i love amen

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