the zen of seeing

i did not wake up with a stream of thoughts today
i made a card
well printed a selected image out for Lynne
whose birthday it is tomorrow and was nearly today
on the response to the video about eduction on facebook
she and george had watched there was mention
 that her choice of birth was nearly today

i think i confused my friend simon with the  wording of my pain on facebook
too he was ever so kind as to reassure me that his
 encouragement is sincere and it is and i am so grateful for
his and others kindness and i know it is meant and ..........

you see it is just that i seek change more than i seek me
and what i have been able to do is wonderful and so no i have not been 'flattered but appreciated for something that is second nature to draw in a loose and sometime precise thread
yet how i long to dive into the piano pool and start to draw in the melody and wade and splash in the colour chords leaving no trace except the shared joy of my own astonishment
it is the only shared art other than say a garden allotment or building thought the builders are so rarely seen as authors now as the one who did the drawings gets the crdit a bit like applauding the conductor oh to be in the orchestra pit playing a passgae that flows into the see of others plaful joy one day one day one day oh




the car was from a loosely made watercolour paperfoldy sort of birthday present to myself a few years ago
i have no need most of the time for precision as my samll life is in an ocean of immortality that satrted before my birth and goes on always immeasurabley except by the vast author beyond mind or measure




it was of a girl at window with watering can watering  window box
i had put on it littel flower happy birthday and it echoed the cheerfulness i would seek to broadcast and to Lynne i made mention of Elaine Hughes exhibition in staacks as it is the most cheerful show i have ever seen



so fan heater on
goldfish fed
slightly itchy nose as if i have been dusting but seel the end of a cold

i look to my left and i have placed the zen of seeing there oh frederick would that you were alive and well and then in heaven you may well be i can only pray and do lord gOD IN HUGE Gratitude

the book is spontaneous beautifully adudibly should that be legibly so what!
hand written audible to any heart with eyes and what is the point of a blind heartt?

none?


oh

i was low and am still climbing out i will be hopeful and i shall play

i pray for the gift yet do not want it like some magic spell though perhaps belieif is magic it is certainly in God's givendescription the only spell   belief

belief is the only encouragement any life coaching has in its bag to share and i can only pray for goody bags to give away


shall i write beleief on lots of pieces of paper and get some bags to put it in and give them out for my birthday sorely temptd


i would need to write it lots of times and fill each bag with 60 slips of beleief mad art happening would i simply need to share the idea

it is thrursday and whilst i am going for my friday walk today with george
i am also due to do my weekly morning pages check in and my artists date that i do each week so what to achieve today
well i have a hygeinist appointment and i am aware that i have not invited everyone via facebook to my birthday

as not everyone is as yet on this friendliest of postal services that ever existed never was ther a more inclusive christian tool for samaritan style neighbourliness than this why you can hear a neighbours p[assing though on the right of the screen as you listen and type your own global village marshall mcluhan prophesised whne global mind gets ever nerer global classsrom shop playgourns work area not alone

i will make chai tea and have porridge

that is waht i will do

checking in mwith my morning pages questionaire then
as my daily alarm goes off



i have sustained morning pages each day
sometimes i simply poured out sorrow
and becauuse i share my illegible screed i get compassionate and kindly responses through facbook

worka holism sabotageing the artist dat not sure possobly definitely wanted to complete my work for the current to flow to anable other things i suppose

synchronicity yes simon was perfectly timed to infuse some cheer when i broke my heart/mind on the rocks of musical disappointment with my lesson not being up to scratch unable to do simple things iether i worry too much or not nenough check mated by seeming cruel judgements that i could not in any way find any encouragement in at all


issues significant for recovery only down arrows it felt like the devil will blow out any attempt at lighting a flame of graitude joy encouragemtnendeavour keep on keeping on hopefulness i have been living that psalm that asks why and then concludes i will beleieve




i am in god's hands and any kind neighbours and within me is an unstoppable seed of fith that will find sunlight will be watered will seek to encourage and will walk sing hope dance even if feebly

if a thing it worth doiun g is worth atattemptin over and obver aeven if it means falling over and no even if i am not encouraged i will find courage and spit in the devil's face as i find it their in the hurt that attempts to say god will not enable your hopes to be watered and sustained because that is what who why god is to be creative to create the miracle that unfold sthe hope i will exemplify for and because of the goodness i have at times recieved.